27 December 2010

Sometimes I wonder if he was ashamed of me.
If that was the reason I felt so hidden. Maybe he couldn't stand it, hiding me away and that's why it stopped and I didn't know why. Maybe it's because he was too kind to ever tell me the truth.

He's different with her. I know about her which means that everyone else does too. There are pictures, many pictures, open for the whole world to see. They make me wonder why I was so different. Why he stands beside her wearing a smile bigger and brighter than he ever showed me.
I shouldn't wonder these things because they're what my heart, broken into shades of glass thinks. And everyone knows you never trust a broken heart. But I can't help waking in the night asking myself over and over the questions I can't answer.
Is it different? Is she worth something more? Does he want to show her to the world because he's proud? Like she's a shining trophy. Maybe it's because he's batman and shes real diamonds. The ones you hold up to the light and watch rainbows bounce off every surface of the room around you, the sunlight shining through. Maybe when he held me up to the light he saw that I was just the cheap plastic ones you buy from the two dollar shop, that lets off rainbows that melt into a dull brown. Sometimes I hope its just because he didn't realise it was just the plastic cover, protecting the treasure inside.

I punish myself for these thoughts. Punish myself to leave the drawer shut and the book cover closed. Punish myself where it hurts. I shouldn't ever let myself think these things because I know he loved me. Even if it was a lifetime ago, just like a small candle flame, one small breeze and it turned to smoke.

Sometimes I lie on my bed looking up at my ceiling wondering why I feel the way I do, and if he ever felt the same.